Looking Back, Pressing Forward

 Well, first of all, I can tell you what 2020 was not. It was not a year of blog posts from me lol. Not sure what happened there. Life, I guess. I'm hoping to get back to somewhat regular posting. 

I'm sure we will see a lot of posts on social media about how terrible 2020 has been and good riddance to the worst year ever. This is not one of those posts. 2020 has been a difficult year for many. There is no denying that fact. People I know have lost loved ones, their jobs, their businesses, have battled extreme depression and anxiety, and so much more as a direct impact of this pandemic. I am extremely grateful to be able to say that while this year has had some difficult and sad moments for our family, we are healthy and fortunate to still be working. 

Mark stepped out in faith and began a new job in a completely different field and he loves it. It is so nice to see him be excited about what he is doing. With sports not operating as normal, he has been home much more in the evenings and Luke and I have both enjoyed that bonus time together, when he would normally be refereeing several nights a week. 

Luke (and us) has been blessed to not have had any interruption in daycare and he continues to amaze us with what he is learning. He is an inquisitive, empathetic, and mostly happy little dude. I'm thankful that he is too young to know all that is going on in the world. He doesn't have a care in the world and I sometimes wish I could experience life through his innocent eyes and mind. 

Lucy enjoyed lots of extra time with her adult humans early on this year when Mark and I were working from home. She is still the perfect dog for our family and we are so thankful that she is ours. 

Now for myself. What did I learn from this past year? I learned that when I am not careful, I will allow circumstances to sneak in and steal my joy and give me a bad attitude. 

I spent a good part of this year frustrated with my job. I've struggled to enjoy what I once loved. I lost some great coworkers and a lot rock star staff. I have had a difficult time accepting that things are different now. I have missed the happy faces of the members that I haven't seen in 10 months. I feel discouraged for those who need to be here but for one reason or another can't come back right now. There has been annoyance with the ever changing executive orders and how that affects my job. 

The general negativity of the pandemic and presidential election have taken a toll on me too. I've been disheartened many times by ugly words and actions of people I know (on both sides.) It's exhausting to watch and listen to people argue, to not respect each other's opinions or beliefs. I've struggled with thinking about the future of our country. I've found myself seeing and evaluating things through a negative lens. 

I've struggled as a mom of a 2.5 year little boy who, as of late, can be defiant and whiney. There have been days that I've been hard on him, yelled too much, said not so nice things, and felt like the worst mom in the universe. I would find myself crying for making him cry only for him to come up to me and hug me and ask me if I'm ok. My toddler showing me grace when I wasn't giving it to him or myself. It really got to me. 

I know what you are thinking - You said this wasn't a post bashing 2020. It's really not. You see, I've tried to talk myself into believing that this year just sucks so I get a pass for having a bad attitude or for yelling at my kid or for being negative, etc. But the truth is, those things have nothing to do with the year 2020. Sure, many parts of this year have been stressful but it goes deeper than that. It's a heart issue. In the past few months, I have felt God's constant nudging in my heart. He has been gently pointing out to me these hard feelings and working to correct them in me. He has been working in me to show me that my joy can only found in Him and I can only truly experience that joy when I surrender it all to Him, when I give up trying to control what I can't control. And you know what, these past few months have been a little more refreshing. Not perfect by any means, but I've had a peace about it all. 

I'm learning that if I go into work each day and do my best and do it all to glorify the Lord, I am doing it right. On days when I may not be enjoying my job or having a moment, I remember that God has placed me here for a reason. When I embrace that, I can be confident that God will use me where I am to be a light for others. I can be confident that this is His will for me in this season. It doesn't make every day easy but it helps me have a better perspective and to find the good in each day.

I'm learning that my hope and my trust are in God alone, not in science and certainly not a president. I've recognized that I don't need to see and know what everyone thinks about all of the things regarding the pandemic or the election. Honestly, it's exhausting trying to keep up. I've unfollowed many people/pages to avoid seeing things that would trigger the feelings of anxiety and the negativity in me. Alternatively, I've begun following people/pages that I know will lift me up, encourage me, and be a light in day. This has helped tremendously. 

I'm learning that I am not and will never be the perfect parent and that's ok. I'm learning to put my pride aside and admit and apologize when I am wrong. To show my child that mommy is a sinner and needs Jesus too.  I'm learning to give grace to him and to myself when one of us is having a moment....or several. I'm learning to receive encouragement from others instead of jokingly (but not really) pointing out my flaws instead. I've learned that having sisters in Christ to walk alongside me in motherhood is a priceless gift. People who remind me that I do not live a perfect life but Jesus, our Savior, did live a perfect life and because of His death and resurrection, the pressure to be perfect is gone. He fills our gaps. He is sufficient for all of our failures. He is enough.

Most importantly, this past year has reminded me that God is faithful. And wouldn't you know that as I am typing this, these are the lyrics I am hearing on Pandora - 

"Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful"

I am thankful for God's unending grace, His mercy, His love for me that is so great that He will still pursue me even when I doubt. In Him, I have found the peace that I had lost this year. I can feel the Lord working in me to help strengthen in me in the fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. All.Of.Them. Not just at work. Not just with my family. But in everything I do. I know that I will forever be a work in progress, but aren't we all? I'm ready for 2021 and whatever this crazy world throws our way because I serve a God who is sovereign over all and He will always make a way!

Sweet Memories

My Grammy and Grampy were the perfect picture of grandparents that you read of in kid's storybooks. I realize how incredibly blessed I am to have had them play an active role in my life for 38 years. A lot of memories have been flooding back to me lately and I wanted to document them so that they can live on even longer. 

These are in no particular order:

• 
  Sleepovers at 18 High Ridge Rd. hold the most memories. Breakfast consisted of the cereal Clusters or Grampy's homemade waffles with peanut butter (which I only recently learned were from a box.) Grammy often lit candlesticks at the dinner table and I couldn't wait to get to snuff them out. Birdwatching (and squirrel watching) from the big picture window. Cardinals and
  chickadees were my favorites to see. Watching the Velveteen Rabbit. Walking the trail to 4 Mile Pond and collecting acorns. Walking thru their backyard to visit with the neighbor's horses. 
• Grampy's infamous Swedish Pepparkaker pig cookies, as well as, all of his other staple Christmas Cookies. I also remember some years going to their house to build gingerbread houses and other to decorate sugar
  cookies with all of the fun toppings.
  
  
• Our family's Christmas Eve Smorgasbord at Four Mile Village which always included Swedish Meatballs.
• Grammy's love and expertise in gardening. I guess that is where I get my green thumb from. Some of my favorites from her yard were the Johnny Jumps-ups growing in the walkway and the pink lady slippers. 
• I loved going through Grammy's small closet in the guest room and exploring items from her childhood. 
• Grampy's amazing wood carving skills. I cherish the dog and dolphin that he carved for me and the many more carvings we have in our house now. I even have one that he helped me try to carve myself.
• The puzzle table in their family room. 
  
• 
  As a kid, they would take me out to a special birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant. We would sometimes even go to a movie where Grampy would rest his eyes for most of it...I guess I got that from him.
• Every Easter, we would have an egg hunt inside the house with little chocolate eggs. They would be hidden in the most inconspicuous places, inevitably leaving us to find some several months later.
• 
  I remember them taking me on trips to New Hampshire and Vermont. A tour of Ben and Jerry's, riding up the mountainside in a gondola, visiting my great aunt Jean at the camp she worked at one summer, and even falling into the Cold River while walking across some rocks top that list of memorable moments. Old Sturbridge Village was another fun trip. 
  
• Grammy loved to take me to the Northshore Music Theater for to see plays. 
• Beginning in college and all the way up until I got married, I remember Grampy would always slip me some money when no one was looking and give me a little wink.
• 
  Grammy was a great cook and always put together the perfect spread for family get togethers, starting with the cheese and crackers and finishing with a delicious dessert. 
  
  
• Grampy always had Mentos to share.
• 
  They never missed an event. Graduations, softball games, swim meets, track meets, awards ceremonies, plays, dance recitals.....they were always there cheering me on. 
  
• They drove the long route to North Carolina for my wedding and again a few years later to meet their great grandson, Luke. They loved exploring New Bern and learned that they saved everything from their trips here. 
• The surprise and excitement in Grampy's voice when I told him
  that we gave Luke the middle name Walter, after him. 
• The unconditional love that they had for one another. Married for 67 years, they are who I look up to and strive to be in my marriage. 
  

Grammy and Grampy were so very proud of me (and all of their grand and great grandchildren)and they never missed an opportunity to tell me that. Time spent with family was one of their biggest priority's and where most of my childhood memories come from. It's difficult to imagine a Christmas or visit back home without them in it. It still seems surreal when I think about them being gone. Their love and generosity will live on through those who knew and loved them. They were kind, compassionate, patient, selfless, and hardworking people and I am proud to call them my grandparents.