Looking Back, Pressing Forward

 Well, first of all, I can tell you what 2020 was not. It was not a year of blog posts from me lol. Not sure what happened there. Life, I guess. I'm hoping to get back to somewhat regular posting. 

I'm sure we will see a lot of posts on social media about how terrible 2020 has been and good riddance to the worst year ever. This is not one of those posts. 2020 has been a difficult year for many. There is no denying that fact. People I know have lost loved ones, their jobs, their businesses, have battled extreme depression and anxiety, and so much more as a direct impact of this pandemic. I am extremely grateful to be able to say that while this year has had some difficult and sad moments for our family, we are healthy and fortunate to still be working. 

Mark stepped out in faith and began a new job in a completely different field and he loves it. It is so nice to see him be excited about what he is doing. With sports not operating as normal, he has been home much more in the evenings and Luke and I have both enjoyed that bonus time together, when he would normally be refereeing several nights a week. 

Luke (and us) has been blessed to not have had any interruption in daycare and he continues to amaze us with what he is learning. He is an inquisitive, empathetic, and mostly happy little dude. I'm thankful that he is too young to know all that is going on in the world. He doesn't have a care in the world and I sometimes wish I could experience life through his innocent eyes and mind. 

Lucy enjoyed lots of extra time with her adult humans early on this year when Mark and I were working from home. She is still the perfect dog for our family and we are so thankful that she is ours. 

Now for myself. What did I learn from this past year? I learned that when I am not careful, I will allow circumstances to sneak in and steal my joy and give me a bad attitude. 

I spent a good part of this year frustrated with my job. I've struggled to enjoy what I once loved. I lost some great coworkers and a lot rock star staff. I have had a difficult time accepting that things are different now. I have missed the happy faces of the members that I haven't seen in 10 months. I feel discouraged for those who need to be here but for one reason or another can't come back right now. There has been annoyance with the ever changing executive orders and how that affects my job. 

The general negativity of the pandemic and presidential election have taken a toll on me too. I've been disheartened many times by ugly words and actions of people I know (on both sides.) It's exhausting to watch and listen to people argue, to not respect each other's opinions or beliefs. I've struggled with thinking about the future of our country. I've found myself seeing and evaluating things through a negative lens. 

I've struggled as a mom of a 2.5 year little boy who, as of late, can be defiant and whiney. There have been days that I've been hard on him, yelled too much, said not so nice things, and felt like the worst mom in the universe. I would find myself crying for making him cry only for him to come up to me and hug me and ask me if I'm ok. My toddler showing me grace when I wasn't giving it to him or myself. It really got to me. 

I know what you are thinking - You said this wasn't a post bashing 2020. It's really not. You see, I've tried to talk myself into believing that this year just sucks so I get a pass for having a bad attitude or for yelling at my kid or for being negative, etc. But the truth is, those things have nothing to do with the year 2020. Sure, many parts of this year have been stressful but it goes deeper than that. It's a heart issue. In the past few months, I have felt God's constant nudging in my heart. He has been gently pointing out to me these hard feelings and working to correct them in me. He has been working in me to show me that my joy can only found in Him and I can only truly experience that joy when I surrender it all to Him, when I give up trying to control what I can't control. And you know what, these past few months have been a little more refreshing. Not perfect by any means, but I've had a peace about it all. 

I'm learning that if I go into work each day and do my best and do it all to glorify the Lord, I am doing it right. On days when I may not be enjoying my job or having a moment, I remember that God has placed me here for a reason. When I embrace that, I can be confident that God will use me where I am to be a light for others. I can be confident that this is His will for me in this season. It doesn't make every day easy but it helps me have a better perspective and to find the good in each day.

I'm learning that my hope and my trust are in God alone, not in science and certainly not a president. I've recognized that I don't need to see and know what everyone thinks about all of the things regarding the pandemic or the election. Honestly, it's exhausting trying to keep up. I've unfollowed many people/pages to avoid seeing things that would trigger the feelings of anxiety and the negativity in me. Alternatively, I've begun following people/pages that I know will lift me up, encourage me, and be a light in day. This has helped tremendously. 

I'm learning that I am not and will never be the perfect parent and that's ok. I'm learning to put my pride aside and admit and apologize when I am wrong. To show my child that mommy is a sinner and needs Jesus too.  I'm learning to give grace to him and to myself when one of us is having a moment....or several. I'm learning to receive encouragement from others instead of jokingly (but not really) pointing out my flaws instead. I've learned that having sisters in Christ to walk alongside me in motherhood is a priceless gift. People who remind me that I do not live a perfect life but Jesus, our Savior, did live a perfect life and because of His death and resurrection, the pressure to be perfect is gone. He fills our gaps. He is sufficient for all of our failures. He is enough.

Most importantly, this past year has reminded me that God is faithful. And wouldn't you know that as I am typing this, these are the lyrics I am hearing on Pandora - 

"Never once did we ever walk alone

Never once did You leave us on our own

You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace

Evermore we'll be breathing out Your praise

You are faithful, God, You are faithful"

I am thankful for God's unending grace, His mercy, His love for me that is so great that He will still pursue me even when I doubt. In Him, I have found the peace that I had lost this year. I can feel the Lord working in me to help strengthen in me in the fruits of the Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. All.Of.Them. Not just at work. Not just with my family. But in everything I do. I know that I will forever be a work in progress, but aren't we all? I'm ready for 2021 and whatever this crazy world throws our way because I serve a God who is sovereign over all and He will always make a way!

Sweet Memories

My Grammy and Grampy were the perfect picture of grandparents that you read of in kid's storybooks. I realize how incredibly blessed I am to have had them play an active role in my life for 38 years. A lot of memories have been flooding back to me lately and I wanted to document them so that they can live on even longer. 

These are in no particular order:

• 
  Sleepovers at 18 High Ridge Rd. hold the most memories. Breakfast consisted of the cereal Clusters or Grampy's homemade waffles with peanut butter (which I only recently learned were from a box.) Grammy often lit candlesticks at the dinner table and I couldn't wait to get to snuff them out. Birdwatching (and squirrel watching) from the big picture window. Cardinals and
  chickadees were my favorites to see. Watching the Velveteen Rabbit. Walking the trail to 4 Mile Pond and collecting acorns. Walking thru their backyard to visit with the neighbor's horses. 
• Grampy's infamous Swedish Pepparkaker pig cookies, as well as, all of his other staple Christmas Cookies. I also remember some years going to their house to build gingerbread houses and other to decorate sugar
  cookies with all of the fun toppings.
  
  
• Our family's Christmas Eve Smorgasbord at Four Mile Village which always included Swedish Meatballs.
• Grammy's love and expertise in gardening. I guess that is where I get my green thumb from. Some of my favorites from her yard were the Johnny Jumps-ups growing in the walkway and the pink lady slippers. 
• I loved going through Grammy's small closet in the guest room and exploring items from her childhood. 
• Grampy's amazing wood carving skills. I cherish the dog and dolphin that he carved for me and the many more carvings we have in our house now. I even have one that he helped me try to carve myself.
• The puzzle table in their family room. 
  
• 
  As a kid, they would take me out to a special birthday dinner at a fancy restaurant. We would sometimes even go to a movie where Grampy would rest his eyes for most of it...I guess I got that from him.
• Every Easter, we would have an egg hunt inside the house with little chocolate eggs. They would be hidden in the most inconspicuous places, inevitably leaving us to find some several months later.
• 
  I remember them taking me on trips to New Hampshire and Vermont. A tour of Ben and Jerry's, riding up the mountainside in a gondola, visiting my great aunt Jean at the camp she worked at one summer, and even falling into the Cold River while walking across some rocks top that list of memorable moments. Old Sturbridge Village was another fun trip. 
  
• Grammy loved to take me to the Northshore Music Theater for to see plays. 
• Beginning in college and all the way up until I got married, I remember Grampy would always slip me some money when no one was looking and give me a little wink.
• 
  Grammy was a great cook and always put together the perfect spread for family get togethers, starting with the cheese and crackers and finishing with a delicious dessert. 
  
  
• Grampy always had Mentos to share.
• 
  They never missed an event. Graduations, softball games, swim meets, track meets, awards ceremonies, plays, dance recitals.....they were always there cheering me on. 
  
• They drove the long route to North Carolina for my wedding and again a few years later to meet their great grandson, Luke. They loved exploring New Bern and learned that they saved everything from their trips here. 
• The surprise and excitement in Grampy's voice when I told him
  that we gave Luke the middle name Walter, after him. 
• The unconditional love that they had for one another. Married for 67 years, they are who I look up to and strive to be in my marriage. 
  

Grammy and Grampy were so very proud of me (and all of their grand and great grandchildren)and they never missed an opportunity to tell me that. Time spent with family was one of their biggest priority's and where most of my childhood memories come from. It's difficult to imagine a Christmas or visit back home without them in it. It still seems surreal when I think about them being gone. Their love and generosity will live on through those who knew and loved them. They were kind, compassionate, patient, selfless, and hardworking people and I am proud to call them my grandparents. 

The Decade Challenge

A couple months ago the Decade Challenge was filling up my social media page. People were posting side-by-side photos of what they looked like at the beginning of the decade compared to the end. It was fun looking at everyone's pictures, even my own, to see of how they physically transformed. It really got me thinking about how much I have transformed on the inside over the last 10 years.

There are some pretty obvious transformations that I have gone through in the last 10 years. Becoming a wife, a mother, a New Bernian, and beginning a new career are some pretty notable ones but I wouldn't say that any of those were my greatest transformation.

I grew up in church and went through the motions of  baptism, first communion, and confirmation but I had never cultivated a relationship with God. I didn't know what that looked like or how to do it. I believed in God, I knew the famous bible stories, I just didn't know Him. I just didn't get it. After college was when I started to feel a longing for more but didn't know where to start. I went to church by myself and tried to get connected, but nothing really clicked for me. With not many people to talk with about it, I felt lost. I put too much stock into relationships and what people thought about me and was often left disappointed.

Ten years ago I was offered the opportunity to move to New Bern, North Carolina. This was completely out of my comfort zone and sounded crazy, but I felt a nudge. A nudge that wouldn't let up. After much thinking and talking about it and even having a friend pray with me one day in my backyard, I decided to go for it. I felt an unexplainable peace about my decision. I had no idea what was in store for me, but it knew it had to be something good.


It wan't until several months after my move that I realized it was God who was nudging me to make that move. For the longest time, I had felt like something was missing in my life and it was in New Bern that I found it....or should I say, Him. He perfectly placed people on my path t lead me to Him. On May 31, 2013, I decided to commit my life to Christ through baptism. Since then, He has used me, yes me, to lead other people to Him.

I am so thankful for a God that leaves the 99 to find the 1. I am thankful for a God who loved me enough to put that longing in my heart for Him and for never giving up on me. I am thankful for a God that will let me walk through the dark times all the while never taking His hand off of my shoulder. I am thankful for His grace that is immeasurable, His mercy that is inexhaustible, and His peace that is inexpressible.

I am by no means perfect and I fail Him almost daily, but I do try my hardest. Walking with Christ doesn't mean that bad or difficult things will never happen to me. It does mean that I can trust completely that He will guide me through anything and use my experiences for His glory. Over the last several years I have learned to let go, to trust, to forgive, and to love, even when it's hard. I pray that this life that I am living will help others come to know Christ. Striving to live a life that glorifies God has been my greatest and most important transformation of this decade. Without it, I wouldn't be where I am today. Without it, I wouldn't have all that I have. Without it, nothing else matters.

Keep It Simple

I was humbly reminded by my toddler last week that kids don't need all the things and to be doing all the activities to be content. My mom was here visiting and it was her last full day with us. I took the day off from work so we could spend the whole day together. We spent the morning visiting a local coffee shop, taking a walk downtown to the church playground, and picking up a few lawn and garden items from the store. It was a great morning. By the time we returned home, Luke was ready for a nap and mom and I took advantage of this time to re-pot some plants. I always love a productive nap time!

Now for part two of our day. We discussed afternoon plans and decided it was a little too hot outside to go to the pool like we had talked about earlier. Instead, I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to go to a small play gym in town to beat the heat and expel all of the energy that comes from a freshly napped and fed 16 month old.

We ate lunch and headed out the door. It wasn't until we were down the street from the gym that it hit me...they are closed on Mondays! 🤦 I was so disappointed that I had forgotten about this. Luke was getting antsy in the back seat and I felt bad that I couldn't deliver on the promise that we were going somewhere fun and that we were almost there. I didn't think we would make it the 25 minutes back home without doing something....anything! Mom and I brainstormed any fun indoor places we could go and came up empty. The other indoor kid place in town is also closed on Mondays, he is too small/young for the play area at Chic fil A, and it was just too hot to go to an outdoor playground. UGH!

The only place I could think of was the mall. If you are not familiar with the mall in New Bern, it is small and not very crowded at all. It has a long carpeted hallway and lots of windows to look into. You wanna know something? Luke loved it there. He ran around, exploring, waving hi to everyone that he saw. We went into one store where he made some new special friends and another where he had a blast checking out all of the toys in the toy section. He laughed and he smiled and he ran his little legs out just enough to nap on the way back home. He had the afternoon of his life, in his eyes.

The same goes for toys. Luke is just as happy, if not happier, playing with an empty Amazon box, a paper towel roll, or in the dirt outside. Yet, his room is FULL of toys, books, etc. We have already discussed going through it all and downsizing. He wouldn't know any different at this stage in the game. I honestly think that he becomes distracted when he plays because he has so much to choose from.

I can already see, as a new mom, how easy it can be to fall into the trap of wanting to buy all of the latest and greatest toys and feeling the need to want to constantly be on the go and staying busy. The truth is, all kids really need are our time, love, and attention. Luke didn't need to be anywhere special to have a good time with us. He made his own good time in an empty mall, being silly with his mom and Grammy. Honestly, he would have been perfectly happy staying home that afternoon playing in his room with us. New and outside experiences are a fun treat but we don't have to feel like we have to entertain that way all of the time. New toys are great, but don't let what they do and don't have determine the quality of their childhood.

Keep it simple, my friends. Be present, have fun, and know that you are doing a great job!

No Time to be Sad

As I sat there, on the eve of my firstborn's first birthday, I was filled
of gratitude.  This past year has been a whirlwind and when I think of all that we have been through - the good, the bad, the ugly - I realize there is far more good than anything else. When I think of this past year, all of our happy moments come to mind first. Sure there were plenty of moments, hours, and days of frustration, tears, exhaustion...you get the idea. But no matter how difficult those times were, no matter how long the sleepless nights seemed to last, they are not what define the last 365 days. They are mere blips on the reel. The highlights are what stand out the most - the smiles, the laughter, the family time, a year full of firsts. A year that I say went by way to quickly even though it had the same 525, 600 minutes as every other non-leap year. It was certainly a year well spent.

I rocked my baby a little longer at bedtime tonight knowing that he would wake up a 1 year old. Many have asked me if I am sad that he is 1 already. Truthfully, I am not. I am thankful that we have made it to this day. I have enjoyed every stage of motherhood so far but I don't really find myself mourning the passing of each one.  I feel a lot of emotions as Luke turns 1 - happy, relieved that we all survived our first year, proud of the awesome person he is becoming, thankful for God's unending grace that I receive daily, hopeful for the future - but sad is definitely not one of them. I'm thankful for a happy, healthy, growing, and thriving boy who is reaching his milestones at his own pace. Every stage and every season will bring its own joys and memories and I don't want to miss any of them. Especially fun ones like his very first taste of cake, his first kids meal at a restaurant (which he devoured), or the look on his face when he figured out he could walk.

If there is anything that this past year has taught me, it is to enjoy the little things.  I try my best to embrace each day as the mom of this sweet little boy. He is changing every single day and it is the most amazing thing to be able to witness. His brain is processing things at high speed trying to figure out how everything around him works. He is a big chatterbox, trying so hard to communicate with us and it is fun realizing that he understands some of what we are saying to him now too. He is also very much on the move and exploring everything. I did, however, recently reminisce on the "good ol' days" when I could put Luke down on the floor and he wouldn't go anywhere haha. I'm not sad to see him grow a year older because, well, that is what he is supposed to do and it means we are figuring out this whole parenting thing. It is fun and exciting to watch him grow into the person God has created him to be. There are big plans for this little boy.

It is a privilege and a blessing to be Luke's mom and I thank God every single day that he chose me for this job. I pray that Mark and I will do all that we can every single day to make sure he knows that he is loved and cherished and that God's love for him is even greater than that somehow.

I know that one day I will miss him being little, but for today, I won't be sad. I will enjoy the snuggles and be ready to celebrate a pretty awesome 1 year old.

We love you, Lukeman! Happy 1st Birthday!

Forever in My Heart

This past week has been an emotional one for me as Facebook shows me my memories from a year ago. These photos are what would end up being the last pictures and memories I would end up having of and with my sweet girl, Lilo. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. Today marks 1 year without my best friend. Not a single day has gone by that I have not thought about her. Some days I miss her so much that it still brings tears to my eyes. I often made the comment that she would live forever but in her final weeks here with us, I knew in my heart that our time was quickly running out.

I remember the day so vividly and it is something that I have shared with very few people. That Friday night, Lilo had another seizure. This would be her third in about a month or so. With each seizure her physical appearance seemed to age by years. They were taking a major toll on her body. When Lilo had seizures she would spend the next several hours wandering around seeming disoriented. She would bump into furniture and find herself stuck in places, like under the bar stools or under the desk. I stayed out in the living room with her that night where neither one of us got much sleep.

The next day, Saturday, her and I spent the whole day together while Mark was at work. We took a bunch of short naps and in between, we hung out together outside in the sunshine. She walked circles around the outside of the house while I painted some furniture in the garage for Luke's nursery. She would check in with me with each lap she took. I washed the car while she remained close by, carefully avoided the water hose.  I even mustered the strength, at 31 weeks pregnant, to give her a bath in the tub that afternoon. We spent the rest of the day relaxing inside and snuggling. We had a great day, just me and my sweet girl.

That evening was like most of our evenings during this season. Mark and I had gone to bed and Lilo paced around the house for most of the night, as she often did, with her nails clinking on the hard floors. One of us would get up every few hours to let her out to use the bathroom, a symptom of her late stage kidney disease that we had been managing. This particular night when I woke to let her out, I noticed she had pooped in several spots and tracked it around the house. I let her outside so Mark and I could clean up the mess. She was used to going out by herself at night and would often walk around the house to be let in through the front door. As we cleaned, I noticed Lilo had come back to the back door ready to come in. We had a few more spots to clean so we left her out for a minute or two longer. When I went back to the door to let her in, she wasn't there. I assumed she had just made her nightly yard patrol trek to the front door, but she never came around. We both grabbed our shoes and head out to find her. Every once in a while she would wander to the empty lot beside ours, so we looked there first. Nope. We went back in to grab our flashlights and then checked neighbor's yards, ditches, the edge of the water behind our house, drainage pipes. We had literally saw her just a couple of minutes ago, where in the world could she have gone? What made it worse was that her hearing wasn't that great anymore and often times couldn't hear us calling for her. I started to feel panicked. Mark hopped in his car to drive around our small, yet very open neighborhood. I texted some friends who immediately headed over to our house to help. We drove along the edge of the woods, out to the main road, down the road a mile each way, and rechecked all of the places we had already checked more than once. Nothing. I knew in my heart she couldn't have wandered too far, after all she did not move very quickly these days. But where in the world was she?! After hours of searching tirelessly, we went back inside to try and rest with plans to go back out in the morning.

I couldn't sleep so I stayed out in the living room praying that she would walk up to the back door. Oh how I wish I could go back in time and let her in a few hours prior when she was standing there. I dozed on and off until the first sign of daylight. We went back out and continued our search, still hopeful that we would find her stuck somewhere. Our wonderful neighbors joined in to help. We rode around in a truck to the undeveloped part of our neighborhood. We road around the edge of the treeline looking for any signs of her. It wasn't until we were driving though a neighbor's yard, along the edge of the water, when I asked him to stop. I saw something in the water and was sure that it was just a fallen tree or something but I had to rule it out. As I walked closer, my heart sank. What I saw was not a tree, it was my sweet sweet girl floating ever so peacefully in the water. I completely lost it. My amazing neighbors took it upon themselves to retrieve her body from the water and bring her home to us. They then came to help us bury her. The love and generosity we were shown that day is something I will never forget.

 That day, 1 year ago, is to date the worst day I have ever personally experienced. The day seemed to drag on forever. For weeks, I cried more tears than I thought it was possible to cry. Hours upon hours we had searched for miles and she had never even left our yard. Lilo had never shown any interest in the water behind our house. My only thought is that she wandered back there in the dark in her disoriented state and slipped in. There was no way she was strong enough to swim. My hope is that, in her already weakened state, she did not struggle and passed quickly. I will never unsee that image I have of her and it's difficult not to think about how things could have gone differently that night.

Whether she knew what she was doing or not, I believe God did. I know Lilo did not have much time left and I was already questioning what quality of life she currently had. I think that God knew that I wouldn't be able to make the difficult decision that was most likely heading our way. She was old. She was tired. She was weak. She stayed loyal through it all. I think this was His way of letting her go peacefully without the build up of having to say goodbye to each other. I have to believe that. For 12 years, Lilo took care of me just as much as I took care of her. The timing of when she left, just weeks before welcoming a baby into our lives, can't be a coincidence. She has served her life's purpose and it was time to go.

I will forever have a Lilo sized void in my heart that can only be filled with wonderfully sweet memories of her and I. I am thankful to have many. 💕

Eating My Words

I'm sure it's normal for any woman who has ever dreamed of being a mom to have an idea of what kind of parent they would be. What they would or wouldn't do when they have a child of their own. Before I became a mom, I was careful to try and not have opinions about different parenting styles and tried to avoid saying, "I will never..." After all, how could I have much to say about something that I had no experience in?

Of course, I am not perfect and one situation that I thought I would know exactly how I would handle was going out places with a baby. Before having a baby, Mark and I would say that we wouldn't let the baby's schedule keep us from doing the things that we want to do and were part of our routine.  We had friends that would leave a get together early to put baby to bed or decline lunch plans because it was baby's nap time. Couldn't the little one just sleep wherever we were or sleep on the way home in the car? Surely it couldn't make that much of a difference. Could it? I suppose that some babies can handle that well but it most certainly is not for everyone.

In the first few months of Luke's life, it didn't matter as much. After all, he woke up every 2-3 hours and often slept while being held by one of us anyway. Once he began napping and sleeping in his crib with an actual routine, that all changed. We learned that Luke's morning nap is key and if he didn't have a good, morning, crib nap, we would be in for a looong afternoon. We can get by with an afternoon nap that may take take place in the car as we head to or from a destination, but we are a little more reluctant to do something that may cause us to miss that morning nap.

Luke's evening bedtime routine is pretty solid too and we learned Labor Day weekend how "off" he can easily become if we stray too far from that routine. We stayed out later than normal that Sunday night and that evening was a rough one and so was the next day. Our so called day-off haha.

So yes, I have become that mom that I said I wouldn't be. I am that mom that now politely declines invitations if it doesn't fit into nap time or leaves early to be home for our nightly bedtime routine. It isn't always easy to say no, as I miss that time with my friends and very much being involved in a weeknight Small Group at church. But I also recognize that this is just a short season and saying no is what works best for our family at this moment. So my takeaways from this are: never say never and as a mom, I will do whatever I have to to maintain peace, calm, and regularity at home. I'm thankful to have supportive friends who understand this yet continue to invite me anyway. I'll be back again.💜